Little A has a cold; slight fever; and teething...meaning it was a pretty sleepless night. Now unlucky for me, I am a light sleeper these days and my husband is a very deep sleeper. Like four alarms or a kick from me to get up kind of sleeper. In other words, I am the night shift for Little A pretty much by myself on the few occasions he is up. We are lucky to currently be living with Little A’s grandparents—so it is grandma to the rescue when I am at my breaking point. In the beginning, I felt a little better about asking for help in the middle of the night as a brand new mom. Today though I am feeling a bit like a failure. Yeah, I get it even though he is 8.5 months old, I am still a new mom learning things along the way. I just can’t shake this feeling today. I have experience with babies and kids. I am an Aunt to 7; I was a toddler teacher; I am a special education teacher. I guess all of those experiences are during day time hours and I was able to get child-free rest. Still, Little A has been so good and really only has trouble in the night when he doesn’t feel well; I should be able to handle it on my own. At first I went in to just see if he needed the pacifier, but he only got more hysterical. I picked him up and he was feeling warm still, but it was another hour before I could give him more tylenol. I thought if I held him we could doze a bit and then I could give him tylenol. We got comfortable, all snuggled up and well at least Little A wasn’t crying anymore--as for sleep, that wasn’t happening. I tried to close my eyes for a bit, but he was starting to wiggle. Finally, it was time to give him tylenol--luckily he likes the grape flavor and took it with ease. I rocked him a bit and put him back in the crib and thought “ok, it should start working soon and we’ll be good for the rest of the night.” Boy, was I wrong. He slept for about 30 minutes. I went back in his room and went down the mommy checklist: cleanish diaper? Check. Medicine? Check. Clean nose? Check. Hungry? Maybe...should I get milk? He rarely wakes up in the middle of the night due to hunger, but yup! He wanted the milk and seemed satisfied after a few ounces. Maybe he also just wanted to snuggle. He cried in the crib, but then he cried when I was holding him too! “Aahh...I am so tired...I’ve tried everything on my mommy checklist.” I can’t wake the hubby--he will just be groggy and confused. I am afraid I am getting closer to hitting my breaking point--I have to call in grandma. Not only was it the edge of my breaking point--It is my point of failure. It’s ok to let him cry a bit because if the grandparents could hear him then grandma would come to help anyway. If she doesn’t step in, then she isn’t bothered by Little A in the middle of the night and Grandma thinks/believes I have it under control. I feel like a failure because I asked her to step in. I hate doing that, especially in the middle of the night because she does so much for Little A already (caring for him all day while I work). FAILURE because if we lived in our own house I wouldn’t have a “bail out.” FAILURE because I felt I wasn’t helping Little A. FAILURE because I didn’t imagine mommyhood to be so hard at times.
I know being a mom is going to have its challenges. I need to start believing in my own ability more. Even though my start to mommyhood wasn’t what I thought it would be and I have some extra challenges, I still strive to be as close to perfect as you can be. I am hard on myself when things are difficult or I am tired/frustrated. I have to remember its ok to feel knocked down by these challenges, but especially as a mom, I need to get back up quickly. It is even ok, to ask for help back up if you are lucky enough (like me) to have the support. When I feel like a failure, I need to remember I am not the first mom to be going through challenges, and I won’t be the last. As long as you are loving, caring and trying your best than you are succeeding at this mommy thing!
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