The good, the bad and the ugly feelings....they are all OK to have!

Little A is 7 months old now and I thought my emotions would have plateaued by now, but they continue to be a rollercoaster. Sometimes I don't always realize why I am feeling angry until after it has become a fight with my husband or mom.  When they have walked away or just sit quietly, that is my cue to take time to reflect on my emotions. In the beginning it was just feeling sorry for myself a lot while wondering what milestones (mostly feeding wise) is my baby going to hit.  I vividly remember this past July when my 15 month old niece was eating tiny pieces of watermelon slowly breaking down on the inside and eventually hysterically crying in my room alone. Crying it out and then talking it out with family really helped with the emotions.  I just have to believe and continue to hope he will get there one day. As he makes progress not only with his feeding but meeting other milestones at “normal” rates like rolling over or sitting up my emotions turn to excitement. Then I eventually fall back into my own personal normal routine with Little A and the feelings level out.  A doctor’s appointment is always a roller coaster of feelings. Some excitement when thinking about showing the doctor the progress he has made and hope they will share in the feelings and a lot of nervousness about what shoe will drop next. At the pediatrician’s office, she usually gives him big smiles and compliments us on the good work we have been doing with Little A, at least before she gives us advice or tells us to try something else.  I usually leave there feeling ok and like we have an outside support to turn to. Recently at a doctor’s appointment with a specialist in NYC, I left with very different feelings. I felt like a supportive group we thought we had when we left the NICU in June was no longer there. I thought this special group of doctors were going to be different than at other big hospitals, but that day in December I definitely felt differently. It was back to feeling impersonal  and just another number in their computer. We thought we were going to have this great discussion at a “team meeting,” but instead had to sit in front of the room full of doctors who just wanted bits of information from you to complete what they needed in the chart. I literally froze like a deer in headlights and felt stupid when I struggled to have a complete thought or sentence. I went in excited they were going to hear about how well Little A was doing and be so proud of us, but instead was met with “that’s ok, but we need this study done to tell us more.”  By the time I made it back to my car, I was barely holding back the tears. Thank g-d I always have my actual support system with me, immediately telling me how awkward they felt in that meeting too and we don’t need those doctors to pat us on the back because we know how far Little A has come. We will continue to get him where he needs to go. The innocence of Little A always shines through at the right moments and makes me smile. He was not aware of what was going on in that meeting around him, nor did he care, he continued to be his playful, smiley self. He is such a happy baby and that helps bring my anger/anxiety level back down to normal.  I look at him and can’t help but smile that this special little boy is my baby boy. I am the lucky one he is going to call Mama and snuggle when he is tired or sick. When I snuggle up with him all becomes right in my world again and I just try to stay in the moment that makes me feel happy and safe. I settle back into my normal routine with Little A and he continues to practice and make progress each day. I am feeling good about where we are again, until the next twist on the roller coaster comes along. These emotions I had mentioned above were the big hill at the start of the ride or journey and then the small hills or bumps in the road. The roller coaster of emotions I am on also seems to have one of those corkscrews where you spiral around a few times.  My corkscrew is when people I know are having babies too. My emotions feel like they are constantly going around and around. I am happy for them...I truly am. They get to experience this indescribable joy of becoming a parent for the first time too, but then I am reminded how quickly that joy for me turned into fear, worry and some sadness. I mourned for the journey I thought I was going to have because of how quickly my life turned upside down. How I had to change the way I was going to do some things to meet my baby’s needs--changes I would continue to adapt to without hesitation because I am a mom who does what needs to be done. I am happy to hear their baby was born healthy with no issues in sight. This quickly turns into a pity party of 1 (sometimes subconsciously).  Questions start floating around my head--why me? Why not them? Isn’t there something that they didn’t expect?--as feelings of unfairness keep creeping up and sometimes turn into anger. I try to push them down and may even overcompensate. Ask too many questions, make suggestions, try to find something nice to say, trying not to say something rude--maybe if I sound really interested in what is going on, no one will notice the twister going on inside. I try to force feelings of excitement and think about how nice it will be to have a friend who will be able to talk about all kinds of mommy things from what labor/delivery was like to dealing with sleepless nights and more. Then my subconscious reminds me that my stories will be different and I wonder will they still want to share and compare stories. Will my friends and family listen to what I have been through with caring hearts or just pity?  I am not looking for pity, just for understanding and compassion. Almost to the end of corkscrew, but then remembering we are going to have to visit with the new baby too---fear and panic arise. I want to so badly meet them and I make comments that they will be so close with Little A and can’t wait for them to grow up together. More questions start to spin around my head--Will they always show kindness for Little A? Will his needs just always be part of their normal so they won’t think differently? Will they stand up for him if necessary? My friends and family are supportive, so I remind myself they will raise their children the same way. My friends and their kids will become Little A’s own support system. The visits with the new babies and parents usually go well. I am reminded that my friends love Little A already like he is their own and I will be able to do the same with their little ones. We sit Little A close to the new baby and even though he is too young to show interest yet, we all envision them being best buds and talk about how it will be so.  I slowly relax as no one blinks an eye about the needs of Little A and it has become everyone’s normal around us. I can feel the end of the corkscrew of emotion and the smooth ride ahead--at least for now.